This is the first time in a while that I can actually log onto the computer and have some time to write. Baby is finally sleeping peacefully beside me... Today has been a rough day so far. She first woke up around 7:45am and had a snack and went back to sleep for about an hour. Then she was up till about noon fussing. Not constantly but it was like one thing lead to another: first she was hungry so we had a bottle; then she had her diaper changed; then it was gas; then she pooped; then she was over stimulated; then she was hungry again.... or those are the reasons I attribute to her fussiness. Honestly, I don't know but she fussed/cried on and off that whole time. What seems to calm her down is a lot of bouncing and going outside into the fresh air. I'm just so excited that she's sleeping right now and I really really hope that it'll be for a few hours at least.

I've been AWOL for a while because of baby mostly. Until the last few days, she's been an angel throughout the day but come the "witching hour" (usually around 9pm) she seems to know that it's bedtime and just refuses to go to sleep. For the last week or so, only her dad has been able to settle her at night to the point where she can go to sleep. And unfortunately, she's been going down around 11:30pm every night. This makes me sad. :( And of course her first nightly wake-up is around 2am which makes for a very short sleep. Her next wake up though is usually around 5 or 6am which is nice and then around 9am... So it may be just a matter of getting her sleep sorted out eventually.

She is six weeks old today so hopefully things are going to start changing soon... Allegedly (according to alot of the literature I've been perusing as of late) the period of six to eight weeks is the peak of the fussiness in babies, especially when it comes to sleeping, and then it's all downhill from there. I really hope this is true because I get so frustrated when she's inconsolable and just continues to cry and cry and cry.

When she's not crying though, she's an absolute peach. She's gaining more muscle control in her neck and can easily lift her head when she's lying on her stomach. She's also smiling a tonne in her sleep and I think she's smiled at us a few times while awake. They weren't full blown grins though and I don't think she really knew what she was doing, so I'm not really counting them as smiles. :P She's also making some neat cooing noises now and has changed the sound of her cries.

I can't believe it's already been six weeks since I've had her... and I can't believe it's been only six weeks. It seems like she's always been with us.

Of course me being the neurotic person that I am (or obsessive, or whatever) I'm already thinking of what it's going to be like to go back to work for me. I'm really not looking forward to returning to where I work (there have been alot of changes since I've been gone already) and so I've started to browse various employers for work. Isn't that crazy???? Oh well... My two biggest thing that would lead me to changes jobs is pay and benefits. I need to make at least as much as I am now and I need equal or better benefits. The one thing that I don't have right now is a "top up" to maternity leave benefits paid by EI so finding an employer that would help out if I ever go off on mat leave again would be wonderful. That and if I could continue contributing to my OMERS pension... I guess I have a whole year (or almost) to figure this out...

...a better day...

Just a really quick post right now as I have to get ready to head out to a friend's going away party. I've worked with her for the past 2 years or so and she's getting transferred to a different part of her agency. I'll still see her sometimes but won't be working with her anymore. Of course I'm feeling rushed as I went and joined the local Pipe & Drum band last week (I've been wanting to learn to play the pipes for years and now I finally have the chance!!) and of course practices are on Thursday nights. So I'm running out to my friend's party and then heading over to my first P&D practice. Fun stuff.

The baby kept us up for sometime last night... she awoke around 10:30pm for a feeding and didn't go down till 1am!! Insane! Then she was up again at 5am (thank goodness for the 4hr break!) and kept me up till 7am! I have no idea why she's so wide awake. She was quite fussy at the midnight awake period and we tried everything and ended up having to give her some gripe water and she was still awake for 45min after the fact. She wasn't fussy at her feeding at dawn but she did not want to go back to sleep at all. I'm thinking she might have her internal clock confused or something. So now comes the challenge of getting her back on schedule. The reason I'm thinking this is because she's slept for most of the day to this point... I've tried keeping her up after a feeding during the day and playing with her and she just passes right out, back to dreamland. Ugh.

We had our 4wk MW appointment yesterday. Baby is 8lb 8oz and completely healthy. The MW figures she's just being fussy because of a growth spurt. She did recommend the gripe water (sans alcohol) for gas but other than that... it's just letting her do her thing which can include keeping mommy and daddy up for quite some time. Oh well. They're only young once right?

And John was a total sweetheart today and let me sleep in after I went back to bed at 7am or so. I slept till 11am and was woken to breakfast in bed! This is why I love my husband!! :D

Just a poopy day...

Today is just not a good day. Baby was up quite a bit last night: she was up with John for almost 2 hours around 1am after which he woke me up to take over as he was exhausted and had run out of ideas. Luckily, after only about 15 minutes of soothing her, she went back to bed quite easily. Then it's my turn. She woke up again just before 4am for another feed. Got the feed into her, changed her diaper and then the screaming started. Just bloodcurdling screaming. She was indicating that she was hungry so I tried to feed her... but she pushed her bottle away. So we tried burping and that just seemed to make the screams worse. All in all, I tried everything I could imagine to soothe her and it just didn't seem to be working. :( This went on for two hours. I would be able to calm her down for a few minutes and then something would set her off. I have no idea what. It could've been gas, it could've been anything. She finally settled enough to fall asleep around 6am... and was back up again at 8am. Just completely exhausting.

For me, it's more emotionally draining than physically. I can deal with not sleeping. I have a hard time dealing with feeling helpless in relieving whatever is paining my little one. I've never felt so helpless before in being able to do something. I don't understand what is bothering her and after trying everything I know, I am at a loss. And her cry is so distressing to me. Yikes. So needless to say, today was spent with quite a bit of tears shed on my part...

All I can say is thank goodness John is home. I would have no idea how to deal with all of this on my own on a regular basis. He is such a lifesaver (and sanity saver) for me on days like this.

And this may be premature but I'm worrying now that the babe is developing colic or something to that effect. I'm sure I'm just overreacting but she has been so gassy and fussy (and having difficulty burping... but no difficulty farting). I don't know, maybe I'm just paranoid. Oh and of course she had me worried because she went all day yesterday without pooping. Her last poop was on Sunday night and then nothing yesterday. Of course I called the midwife this morning and within an hour after talking with her, the babe went poop. So I'm relieved. But still, I wish she'd not scare me like that. ;)

My goodness it has been a busy few days. My parents arrived in town this past Tuesday and have been visiting almost everyday since and John's bio. dad and step mom were in town for the long weekend so we caught up with them too and some other relatives as well that John hadn't seen in years (and I've never met).

John and baby are sleeping right now so I have some nice happy quiet time to myself to just surf the interweb and do 'stuff.' LOL. That includes checking facebook and some other forums I frequent as well as updating this blog and looking for stuff to buy online. Yeah, I'm a loser. :)

I was going to go shopping today but John convinced me that we can just stay home today and putter around the house... which ended up being him napping and me chilling. Not that I'm complaining. It's actually nice to have some time at home doing nothing.

This weekend was weird at my older brother's place. Since my parents are visiting (and staying with him) he decided to host a bbq for the family which involved us attending as well as my younger brother from TO. Needless to say, the tension that ensued while we were all together was felt by all (I think). Unfortunately, IMO, my younger brother is nowhere better - in fact I think he's getting worse. Or more brainwashed. I don't know. He's quite religious (I once again don't know why... I have my theories which include that his religious-ness is an attempt to gain favour with our mother but whatever) and he puts on this whole 'show' about being so pious and religious. I was talking with my sister-in-law and we both agree that he would really benefit from some lifeskills groups or something just to help him understand etiquette/proper behaviour around others. I think it's just something he never learned. Case in point: he showed up at my brother's to stay for the weekend in just the clothes on his back and his medication. No overnight bag packed with a change of clothes, shower/hygiene kit or anything. So no toothbrush, no shampoo, no change of underwear. Pretty much lacking everything you or I would pack if we were going to be staying somewhere overnight or for a few days (he was to stay with them for 3 nights). I know alot of this has to do with his illness and not having learned the social skills when he needed to but alot has to do with my mother's enabling as well. Which brings me to the other thing that really bothered me this weekend: was how much she catered to his wants (I was going to write needs but they're not needs, they're wants) and entertains his crazy ideas. Instead of helping him and guiding him and teaching him what is acceptable and what isn't... she makes excuses for his behaviour and tries to cover up his mistakes. All, once again IMO, in an attempt to make him seem 'normal.' So sad and maddening all at the same time.

Needless to say, by the end of the bbq (I think we were there for 5-6 hrs max) I was mentally exhausted and ready to leave.

What really bothers me and makes me sad is that I would love to have a relationship with my younger brother. I would love to have him over at our place and I would love for him to feel included in our family. However, I cannot get past the weirdness and his quirks really irritate the shit out of me. In the past I've tried to let him know this (in a nice way) in an attempt to have him work on his behaviours and then us being able to just hang out. But it doesn't work. That and I'm not religious by any means and my brother knows that the easiest way to push my buttons is to start spewing religious crap at me and he does this all the time... I don't know if it's to actually get me going or what. So that's another irritating thing.

So I really don't know what to do.

On a happy positive note, Baby is sleeping 3-4 hours at a stretch now which is fantastic. Also, John and I rotate feedings so each of us is only up once in the middle of the night. This is so helpful to me it's unbelieveable. I really don't know how those mothers who solely breastfeed and have to do all the feedings themselves do it. They are truly superwomen because I would be absolutely exhausted in less than a week if I had to be up every two hours myself. So hats off and kudos to those women!!!!!

Yes, we're bottlefeeding and formula feeding the little one. I tried breastfeeding but unfortunately, I don't have enough milk (I had a breast reduction in 2004). I tried pumping at the hospital and I'm still trying to pump at home but it takes me a few days to pump enough milk for one bottle... so we're formula feeding. Honestly, I don't feel bad or guilty about this choice whatsoever. Ideally I would have loved to breastfeed but I know that I can't and I'm okay with that. And like I said earlier, it's very helpful that John can help with the feedings which he wouldn't have been able to if I was breastfeeding exclusively.

The next thing we really have to master are the diaper changes. LOL. The babe still manages to catch us by surprise at times and even today we went through three diapers for one changing because she wasn't done pooping when we started to change her. So yeah, there are those surprises every so often. :)