Thursday, August 7, 2008

A whole bunch of randomness...

So I'm officially on mat leave! Crazy! It feels weird not going to work but nice and refreshing at the same time to not have the stress of having to wake up at a specific time. Needless to say though, there's no such thing as sleeping in right now - I'm just not comfortable enough. But it's nice having the flexibility to take a nap if I want to!

So I'm down to 17 more days till my EDD. I'm secretly hoping that she'll be early but we'll see. I'm back to having some mother issues - she hasn't listened to what I asked before (like months ago) and is ignoring what we had discussed (that they'll come down to visit about a week after the little one is born) and are now planning on arriving on August 25! A day after my due date!! WTH!?!?!? Allegedly my parents have arranged to stay with my brother instead of at my place (thank gawd) but still. She is insistent that she wants to be at the hospital when this LO is born (once again not mentioning the delivery room but who knows if she'd try and muscle her way in there too). So saying that I'm frustrated is an understatement. I really feel like she has not listened to what I had asked before and had mislead me because she was paying me lipservice and said that she would do whatever I asked. So instead of just being honest and saying "no, this is what I would like" she just agreed to what I was asking and has gone and made her own plans. I don't know what to do anymore. John says that it might come down to me having to be just out and out rude and blunt and saying "no, this is what is going to happen." I would love to be able to do that but I can't be rude to my mother to save my life. I guess that's one of my shortcomings. I'm thinking of being equally passive agressive as she has been and just not calling her until after the baby is born and we're ready for visitors - even if she is already in town and at my brother's. Seriously. It's my birth experience that I want to share with my husband and child. Not hers. She's had two. So yeah, I'm a bit frustrated and stressed over this one but I guess we'll see how that goes.

On another wonderful family dynamic note, my younger brother has made contact with me after about two years. Quick background on him - he was diagnosed with schizophrenia in 2003 after a psychotic episode had him hospitalized. Now this is what I have been told... I'm sure there is more to this story because my mother and him have enabled each other throughout the years and have twisted this story many times (I think he's had more than one psychotic episode prior to this one). For example, when my mom called me to tell me he was hospitalized, I was told that he had a panic attack. It wasn't until further digging that I found out it was an actual psychotic episode. Big difference IMO. And she would not have told me the truth unless I had "caught" her: she told me the medication he had been prescribed and it was definitely an antipsychotic prescribed for people with schizophrenia... not an antianxiety or antidepressant. So anyways, it took me a while but I did wrangle the truth from her. That was five years ago. Prior to his diagnosis, my brother did abuse substances and was active in the rave scene - so honestly, I don't know if his schizophrenia is due to pre-existing biological conditions or if it was triggered by his substance abuse. Either way, he now has it. So fast forward five years... He's going to be 27 this year and is still strongly dependent on our mother despite the fact that he lives 8 hours from the parents. They have a weird, enabling relationship that (from what I can see) really effects my parents' relationship with each other and really bothers me. My parents are retired and should be spending time together enjoying each other, travelling, whatever. Instead, my mom spends hours on the phone each day with my brother doing whatever - helping him with his school papers (he's in univ), talking about what he's doing, whatever. What really binds them is their religion (we were raised Catholic but I no longer practice). My mom is what you would call right-wing conservative in her beliefs and now my younger brother has really followed in her footsteps. So much so that it has had the effect of him becoming quite judgemental of other peoples' lifestyles if they don't mesh with his beliefs.

Anyways, enough rambling. Long story short, I am still quite upset as to the way things have turned out over the last decade or so. Both my older brother and I were expected to fend for ourselves when we left the home for univ. and never once did we receive even a bit of the financial suppport my younger brother has. Not that we ever wanted it or asked for it. We both paid our own way through univ. and have gone onto having (what we would like to view as) successful lives. Then there's the youngest - he was coddled through highschool and now univ. (seriously, my mom should be getting the BA, not him) with alot of his expenses paid for. My mom had opened a joint account and he would call her at all hours of the night and she would run and deposit money so he could party. He used drugs the first few years away from home and got himself into a world of poop. But my mom keeps on rescuing him.

over and over and over

Codependence (or codependency) is a popular psychology concept popularized by Twelve-Step program advocates. A "codependent" is loosely defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for persons who depend on him or her. A "codependent" is one side of a relationship between mutually needy people. The dependent, or obviously needy party(s) may have emotional, physical, financial difficulties, or addictions they seemingly are unable to surmount. The "codependent" party exhibits behaviour which controls, makes excuses for, pities, and takes other actions to perpetuate the obviously needy party's condition, because of their desire to be needed and fear of doing anything that would change the relationship.

Yup, that describes my mom to a tee.

So ANYWAYS , my brother has now contacted me and wants to communicate. I'm very leary about sending emails back and forth because my mom has told me previously that he shares his email account with her and she's privy to his emails. So I feel like I cannot be completely honest and open with him in the emails as she is going to read it. So I've been pretty vague in my responses to-date. He also wants to come and visit and I'm not sure if I'm ready for that by any stretch of the imagination.

All that and I'm 37 weeks pregnant. LMAO

The sad part is, I would love for my daughter to know both her uncles. I don't want to start her life out in the middle of this weird family that has "the crazy uncle" and everything else to boot. Seriously. But what else am I supposed to do? I will not risk exposing her to someone who is not completely healthy yet (which he isn't at all) and who has some very skewed views of the world that don't correspond to our beliefs.



Bec said...

Don't hesitate to wait to tell your mother about the birth if you feel that is the only way to have the type of birth experience you desire. What's the old saying... "It's easier to ask for forgiveness than it is for permission." In other words, there isn't much she can do after the fact, but can show up if she know's you're at the hospital! Also, most hospitals have strict visitation policies and will ask the mom to make a list of who's okay and who isn't. If you tell them you don't want any visitors, they will make sure no one gets to your room!
Something to think about...
Enjoy the last of your free time! :)

~~Mary~~ said...

I'm thinking at this point, nature might take matters into her own hands and the babe will be born before my parents get into town. But you're right, I have to put my foot down and if it's being a bit rude and blunt, then that's the case. I was reading somewhere that how a daughter controls her own birth experience and sets boundaries with her mother will have a significant impact on future interactions (and unsolicited parenting advice from the now-grandmother) between the three generations.